T is for Till Death Do Us Part

Actual (albeit slightly intoxicated) conversation between my husband and I.
Me: You have short thumbs.
Larch: Long enough to strangle you with.
Me: Not funny.
Larch: They are.
Me: Well, I could cut your nuts off while you sleep.
Larch: Really?
Me: Actually, it would be better to seduce you and then cut off all your junk so you could bleed to death.
Larch: Not before I could kick your ass.
Me: Yeah, but I would be alive. You would bleed to death.
Larch: You might be bleeding to death also.
Me: This is a weird conversation.
**********
I decided later only happily and securely married couples have these kinds of conversations. And then only the really weird couples.

Ten Things Tuesday--O is for Occupational Hazards of Motherhood

1. Your hair, face, and clothes will get covered in bodily fluids, and possibly stuff you can't identify.

2. A Growing Waistline. This can be avoided, but don't ask me how.

3. Fatigue. The sleeplessness does not end when they start sleeping through the night, it just takes a vacation until nightmare season.

4. Inability to Concentrate. My theory is that they ate my brain while I was incubating.

5. You will experience the loss of a sex-life. The libido doesn't die, you just don't have the energy. Or time.

6. Your social life will change. I was gonna say suffer, but it just changes. Your friends are the other moms. You hang out while your kids play at the park. You don't really talk, you just drink your coffee on the same bench.

7. Modesty is not an option. From the moment you step into the delivery room, nothing about your body is safe. Just try to take a shower or go to the bathroom without company. I guess you could lock the door, but then they just scream.

8. Free Time. It does not exist.

9. Lack of Funds. Everything you make will get poured into your children. From diapers, to toys, to new shoes and clothes. And don't forget food.

10. Inexplicable Joy. Even when you are the angriest you have ever been, chances are they will do something to melt your heart and make you love life so much you can't imagine life without them.

Aunt Flo's World Travels.

A work of fiction.


It was that time of the month again, and I was painting the roses red when Aunt Flo showed up, riding a cotton pony, tugging on the rag she had received when dishonorably discharged from the Uterine Navy, for riding the crimson wave.


She swung open the door and announced, "Miss Scarlett has come home to Tara! Steep some tea sweetheart and lets sit down for some Ladies Time." That meant giving into the curse of listening to all the tales of Aunt Flo's world travels.

In Europe, she had stayed in Germany with friends who called her cranberry woman. She wouldn't go to Denmark because the tomato soup was over cooked, but she loved going to England, even though her hotel always seemed to have a Japanses flag flying. Ireland, she said served the best jam rag, whatever that is.

She complains that when in South Africa, granny is stuck in traffic all day, but in Australia they let her put out the flag.

She hadn't ever planned to go to Australia, but she was in China when litte sister came by with her friend little Miss Strawberry from Japan and they talked her into going to a Red Party at Club Mensis during moon time. They got very drunk and thought it would be a good idea to go trolling for vampires in some place warm like the down under.

By the end of Aunt Flo's visit I was  crying the tears of disappointed uterus. She took one look at me, patted my knee and said, "deary, go reboot your system, I'm only gonna be here for a short period."

Ten Things Tuesday--That Mom

We all know her. The perfect mom who fills us with feelings of hatred, jealousy, and self-loathing. Here are ten reasons that mom makes us want to scream.

1. She had the perfect pregnancy. Nothing went wrong. She had no morning sickness, no stretch marks, no heartburn, no swollen ankles, no back pain, nothing. She was glowing and happy the whole time. My sister-in-law was one of these.

2. Six months after that mom has her baby, not only is she down to her pre-pregnancy weight, she has passed it and is smaller than she was when she conceived. These mom's are rare, and generally appear in tabloid with the help of personal trainers that we can't even dream of affording. They are also probably starving.

3. That mom has kids who wear the cutest  matching outfits. Every item is wrinkle and stain free. They do not wear purple leggings with orange dresses or other such combinations that occur when we just grab the first things our hands touch. Her kids always have clean faces and neatly coiffed hair. You know that if she dressed her kids in all white, their clothes would still be white at the end of the day.

4. Her kid's lunches look like this:

source

while our kids eat this:

source

5. That mom always wear an apron when she cooks, but we don't know why. When she puts dinner on the table her apron is still spotless. So is her kitchen, which makes me think she didn't really cook whatever she is serving.

6. When that mom's kids start kindergarten, their baby books are completely finished. Our kids don't have baby books; or they do, but they are empty and collecting dust in the back of the closet.

7. That mom's car looks brand new. There are not crayons, toys, crumbs, mud, fingerprints, or empty McDonald's bags scattered all over. Her car even smells brand new.

8. Her house is spotless, her kids are well-behaved, she cooks dinner every night, and still has time to read those books that have been on your to read list for years but will have to wait until your kids graduate high school.

9. When at the park, her clothes look like she walked off the pages of a magazine, her make up is perfect, her hair is not pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. Also, when it's time to go home, her kids say, "yes mommy" instead of throwing themselves on the ground screaming for 5 more minutes.

10.  Her carpets are lacking of mud or food stains.

Some of us can achieve one or two of these things occasionally. I do not believe I know any mothers who can achieve all of these, all the time.

Ten Things Tuesday--Popular Fiction for Parents

This week,Popular Fiction, by parents.

1. The Girl Who Brushed the Rat's Nest


2.  Harry's Potty and the Chamber Pot's Secrets


3.  The Nightlight Saga


4. Games on Phones


5. The Toy Duck Club


6. The Snack


7. The Sisterhood of the Training Pants


8. Sleep, Play, Love


9. The Time Jugglers Life


10.  A Thousand Sucking Thumbs

Ten Things Tuesday--Redneck life

Here are 10 things that put me in the redneck category, even though, in all honesty, I'm only a redneck when no one is looking.

Lily in her Camo dress.

1.) The best Monday of my life was February 27, 2012 because the Daytona 500 was postponed so I got to watch the biggest NASCAR race of the year followed by Castle. This was only made more redneck by the fact that I like watching BIG EXPLOSIONS. Thank you Juan Puablo for the entertainment. So glad you are ok. Wish is wasn't you. You are my number one favorite driver. Check out the action here.

2.) The 4th of July holiday starts with bump to pass races and a demolition derby on the 3rd.

3.) I dress both my son and my daughter in Camo. Acutally, we all wear camo. Or used to. My camo pants no longer fit, but I have asked my husband to stop buying stuff for everyone but me when he goes to the sporting goods store. I told him to bring me a pink camo sweatshirt or something.

Larch and his mini-me, Johnny, in their matching Real Tree coats.

4.)We go to Cabela's for pictures with Santa Claus

5.) I wear Carhardts. It's worse. I wear double knee Carhardts.  The look good on me too.

6.) I drive a jacked up Toyota. Ok, it's really my husband's jacked up 4Runner.  And I'm still kind of a Chevy girl. However, I drive his jacked up 4runner more often than I drive my crappy little Saturn that used to be nice before I fell asleep and drove it into a tree. We do own a '74 Chevy, but it doesn't run.

7.) My living room is decorated on one side with model ships, on the other it is a conglomeration of bears, bows and arrows, wood carvings, and elk, moose, and deer sheds. For those of you not redneck, sheds are antlers that are dropped in midwinter the way a dog sheds it's coat in summer. You go shed hunting just after the last snow melts. Shed hunting is basically a long hike, way up in the mountains, but you look at the ground and hope to find antlers.

8.)  I lettered in football in high school. I'll let you figure out how  a 5 foot nothing, at the time, 100 pound, wimp lettered in football. I was NOT a kicker.

9.) I own two cowboy hats. But I look the better in my husbands. It has bear claws hanging off the back of it.

10.) My backyard doubles as my kitchen in the summer.

Don't Spit in the Peanut Butter

I'm starting something new this week. 10 Things Tuesdays. I really like making lists, so I'm gonna share them with you, 10 items at a time.
First up, 10 things I never thought I would ever say to my kids.

"Don't spit in the peanut butter jar."

"Don't drink the mustard."
"Yes, you have to. Everyone must wear pants at the dinner table."
"Don't bite the cat."
"You cannot have a peanut butter and syrup sandwich for breakfast. Or lunch. Or ever."
"I can't pull over right now. Your choices are to pee in a cup or pee in your pants" (for the record, he peed in the cup).
"No you can't help me shave my legs"
"That's not candy, it's toilet cleaner. Don't eat things from the bathroom." (Poison control says in small amounts Scrubbing Bubbles toilet bowl stamps are not harmful in small quantities, but don't let Lily eat anymore).
" Ohh my god, the cat peed on Lily's head" (said cat is no longer allowed inside over night).
"No you can't play x box, mommy's watching sesame street."
And a bonus for week one.
" I promise the bird poop missed your head."
What about you? What has come forth from your mouth that you never would have ever pictured yourself saying.

Giant Vulture Poop!

I was on twitter and came upon this tweet
If a bird shits on your head, you're lucky. If a human does it, you're a German porn star. -- PaxPaxochka (@Paxochka)
I found this very amusing. Partly, because I am not a lady like my mother tried to raise me into. And partly, because it made me think of my son.
Last September,Johnny, Lily and I went to New Mexico for my grandpa's 85th birthday party/family reunion. So much fun.
Because here, in North Idaho, the closest zoo is 8 hours away, I took advantage of the Albuquerque zoo and took my children to see all the animals.
We were in the birds of prey section, there was this bridge. The large vultures were able to perch on branches above the bridge. It was obvious you needed to cross with caution from all the bird poop on the ground. Just as my mother and I commented on this, one of the giant vultures dropped a turd 2 inches from Johnny.
I wish I could have gotten a picture of the look on Johnny's face. I have never seen him so freaked out. I don't have a picture because I chose that moment to be a good mom and reassure him. It took 2 or 3 minutes to convince him the poo did not land on his head.
They might say, if a bird pooped on your head you're lucky, but I am so glad this one missed.

Bloody Babies

This is what transpired at the coffee stand window while waiting for my latte:
Johnny: Mom mumble mumble baby Emmett mumble out?
Me: What Johnny?
Johnny: Was there mumble mumble baby Emmett?
I turn off the engine.a
Me: What did you say?
Johnny: Ws there blood when baby Emmett came out?
Me: Um....Yes?

Pregnant pause.
Me: Why?
Johnny: Because in that 1 movie-
Me: Wait what movie? ( I cannot think of a single movie Johnny would have seen that had babies being born in it).
Johnny: you know, at the beginning of your sword games the baby has blood on it.
Me: Oh you mean assassins creed. Yes. Yes, there's blood when babies come out, but it's okay it's just a little bit.
I lied to my son. There is a lot of blood. But that's not my point. This question was out of nowhere and I wasn't really ready. At least he didn't ask how baby Emmett got into Aunt B's tummy. ( The correct answer when speaking to a 4 year old is because God put him there).