Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Part Time Single Mom, Full Time Failing Housewife

A couple of months ago, Larch went back to work. After being a framer/sider for the last ten or so years, he is now an apprentice electrician. I changed jobs too. Instead of just being a stay-at-home-mom, I am now a part time single mother. Larch's job takes him half a state away, so for three to four nights a week, it's just me and the kids.

I've learned a few things in the last two and a half months.

1--I do not envy my single parent friends. They do everything I do, plus hold down a job to pay for all the same bills, plus child care. AND they are either perpetually lonely, or they have to fit time into their already busy lives to date. Nope,I do not envy them, I have a whole new respect for them.

2--Sleeping alone sucks. Even though most of the time the kids sleep in bed with me, it's different. Instead of my ice cold feet searching for a warm spot on Larch's side of the bed, I am experiencing Lily's ice cold feet in the small of my back.

3--I cannot eat what my kids eat three times a day.  I need more variety than mac and cheese, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and peanut butter sandwiches. Did you know that one cup of prepared kraft mac and cheese is around 400 calories! Add a hot dog and you've just used half your daily intake for lunch. EW!

4--Phone calls are not the same as good night kisses.

5--I do not miss grocery shopping with my kids. It takes twice as long to do a weeks worth of household shopping with two children in tow.

Now that I know I don't like being a single stay at home mom, the idea has gotten into Larch's head that I should go back to work part time. HA! I am willing to go, but I can't keep up on the housework being at home full time, I don't know how he expects me to keep a clean house, cook meals, and provide clean clothes if I go back to work. I supposed I could try, but I wouldn't put money on my ability to do both.

P.S. I hope to have something interesting to share next week. We are going on our first camping trip of the season this weekend. Please pray it doesn't rain.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Playing the Part

I've had an interesting week. The weekend saw my son's 5th birthday. And some harsh words that caused emotional pain. Well suffering my pain, I posted to Facebook something I probably should have thought about first. It seems to have caused quite the scandal amongst my family. While using the term "bleed out" to refer to my emotional draining, I seem to have inadvertently put forth that I was contemplating suicide.
This was not and is not the case. I could not see how this was a possible explanation for what I wrote. But when speaking with my husband, he pointed out that I like to play the part of the emotionally disturbed crazy woman.  This is true.  And I may have been playing my part too well. Yes, I have trouble coping with normal emotions. I take things that are said to me and twist them into something painful. I retreat into myself when I feel vulnerable or hurt. I can make stupid ,rash and harmful decisions when I am hurt. But ultimately, I am not as crazy or disturbed as I put forth. My husband said it's a cry for attention. I want to deny this, but it is likely true.
I have decided to stop playing this part. Here on my blog and within the safety of my parents in my husband, I will still deal with the real emotional issues that come with having bpd. However, I am going to stop playing it up and making it the center of my life. My cousin said to me last fall,  you have to define your mental illness, you can't let it define you. Unfortunately, I have been living bpd rather than living with it. I cannot get better if I try to fit the mold of what a crazy person should be. I have to decide to be healthy and then overcome the hurdles and obstacles as I encounter them. This may be the most productive step I have taken forward since starting treatment. Here's to getting better.