I really want to have another baby. I love my two kids, but I think that just one more would make my family feel complete. Larch is ready to be done with diapers and potty training and baby things. We are not currently on birth-control, but we are not "trying" to conceive. I, being smart and yet not overly manipulative, have taken the high road and been praying for God to change Larch's heart. I have asked my Bible study group to pray that we will come to a place of unity on this life changing event. I should have known that God is not like Westley in Princess Bride, who answers all requests with "as you wish."
The last few days have been rough around our house. The kids cannot seem to go for more than 15 minutes without getting into major trouble. Not the "quit hitting your sister, share with your brother, please be quiet" type of trouble. No I'm talking about that kind of trouble that resulted in the first ever grounding of my 4 year old. The kind of trouble that makes you want to pull your hair out and lock the kids in the closet kind of trouble. In an unusual turn of events, I have handled this better than Larch. Normally, I am the one to fly off the handle and just shut down because I can't take one more minute. This time though, I have remained mostly cool-headed and have just taken things in stride. Larch has turned into me. I finally called his brother and arranged a play-date, just so that Larch could have a few hours when he didn't have to be my husband or the kids dad. I gave him a free pass to go drink with the boys.
We can add to the kids inability to behave, my drawing near to a total mental break. I think we may have passed the danger zone and avoid total collapse. However, there has been tension between Larch and I, and as I discussed in my last post, my brain does not process his words or motivations correctly. I am losing my confidence in my ability to be a wife and mother. I am starting to doubt that I have made any progress on the road to recovery. (This is something I know to be untrue in my clear moments; I am getting better in some areas and I am discovering new problems in others.)
Back to my prayers. I am in rebellion right now. I get the feeling that perhaps God is telling me that he is not going to change Larch's mind yet. Perhaps, He is trying to tell me, that I am not as ready as I think I am. That while He may or may not have more children in our future, now is not the time. I don't like this idea. I want another baby. I might even tell you I NEED another baby. Maybe I just want to be pregnant so that I don't feel so bad about the fact that I no longer fit into 89% of my clothing.
Don't tell Larch I'm thinking these thoughts. It's more fun to joke about the next baby while he laughs at me and then we just kinda roll our eyes at each other. Surprisingly, my wanting a baby and his not is the thing we have the least tension over right now. It keeps things light.