Having BPD and Professing Faith is HARD!

I decided to Google "Christian BPD" in a search for resources and fellowship with other people who are living with BPD while professing to be Christians. All but two of the hits on the first page of results were wacked out, condemning bullshit.

One site claimed that my whole diagnoses was just an excuse for sin and that if I truly repented I would be cured. HA! The author wrote that my mood swings are "an obvious result of never applying discipline." Like I choose to be so angry I want to (and sometimes do) scream at my kids in a way they cannot understand or really cope with at 2 and 5. The author believes my inability is control the intensity of my emotions is a choice. If it were a choice, I would not be living like this. The author of this site called BPDs "self-indulgent and selfish," and I am sure we appear that way to outsiders and possibly even our family.

Website like this are dangerous. If I did not respect our right to free speech in America I would want these sites taken down. Ok, I do want them taken down, but I know we have the right to say and believe what we want in this county. However, there was nothing helpful, only hurtful. If I didn't know that the Bible proclaims grace and love I would either want to hurt myself or hate God.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds." "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." These are things I have been taught my whole life. These are things I say I believe when I claim to believe the whole Bible. These are things that are hard to reconcile with my BPD, without someone telling me I'm not really sick, I'm just sinful. I AM sinful, but I am also broken.

I guess, for now, I will continue to wrestle with the idea that God made me they way I am intentionally, on my own. I will continue to cry out in the midst of my suffering, knowing that the testing of my faith produces perseverance (the Lord does know that a BPD need perseverance to learn to live with a disorder that so disrupts our lives), even if I can't find a reason to be joyfully when I am so overwhelmed that I lash out at my loved ones, or hide in a corner at a party because I just can't get beyond the walls of my own emptiness. I do know and believe there is a purpose to what God does and what he asks us to endure. And He does not ask me to endure this alone. Not only has he blessed me with a family who supports and cares for me, he has given me possibly the only man other than my father, who loves me enough, and has enough patience to bear with me through this. And more importantly, God, himself, has promised to be with me and to never leave me. So I will cling to the knowledge that I am not alone, and I work through my doubts and my sorrows.