I've had an interesting week. The weekend saw my son's 5th birthday. And some harsh words that caused emotional pain. Well suffering my pain, I posted to Facebook something I probably should have thought about first. It seems to have caused quite the scandal amongst my family. While using the term "bleed out" to refer to my emotional draining, I seem to have inadvertently put forth that I was contemplating suicide.
This was not and is not the case. I could not see how this was a possible explanation for what I wrote. But when speaking with my husband, he pointed out that I like to play the part of the emotionally disturbed crazy woman. This is true. And I may have been playing my part too well. Yes, I have trouble coping with normal emotions. I take things that are said to me and twist them into something painful. I retreat into myself when I feel vulnerable or hurt. I can make stupid ,rash and harmful decisions when I am hurt. But ultimately, I am not as crazy or disturbed as I put forth. My husband said it's a cry for attention. I want to deny this, but it is likely true.
I have decided to stop playing this part. Here on my blog and within the safety of my parents in my husband, I will still deal with the real emotional issues that come with having bpd. However, I am going to stop playing it up and making it the center of my life. My cousin said to me last fall, you have to define your mental illness, you can't let it define you. Unfortunately, I have been living bpd rather than living with it. I cannot get better if I try to fit the mold of what a crazy person should be. I have to decide to be healthy and then overcome the hurdles and obstacles as I encounter them. This may be the most productive step I have taken forward since starting treatment. Here's to getting better.
This was not and is not the case. I could not see how this was a possible explanation for what I wrote. But when speaking with my husband, he pointed out that I like to play the part of the emotionally disturbed crazy woman. This is true. And I may have been playing my part too well. Yes, I have trouble coping with normal emotions. I take things that are said to me and twist them into something painful. I retreat into myself when I feel vulnerable or hurt. I can make stupid ,rash and harmful decisions when I am hurt. But ultimately, I am not as crazy or disturbed as I put forth. My husband said it's a cry for attention. I want to deny this, but it is likely true.
I have decided to stop playing this part. Here on my blog and within the safety of my parents in my husband, I will still deal with the real emotional issues that come with having bpd. However, I am going to stop playing it up and making it the center of my life. My cousin said to me last fall, you have to define your mental illness, you can't let it define you. Unfortunately, I have been living bpd rather than living with it. I cannot get better if I try to fit the mold of what a crazy person should be. I have to decide to be healthy and then overcome the hurdles and obstacles as I encounter them. This may be the most productive step I have taken forward since starting treatment. Here's to getting better.
Now words of advice from this corner, but I will send a great big virtual {{{HUG}}} for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I have a feeling this won't be easy.
DeleteThing about mental illness is that it's always a work in progress. Bpd is really tough, just when you get it on track something happens and the meds need to be adjusted...again.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband didn't understand this. He figured because he took a pill everyday he was fixed. Far from it. My current husband used to always say about him that you can't fix a broken leg with a band aid. The pills, the random off and on therapists, the new wives... they were all band aids. He would never be healed until he put the cast on himself and healed from the inside out. In the end, he never did.
I'm sorry that you think your family over reacted, but thank god they care enough to do so. Imagine if you were feeling that way, and no one responded?
(((HUGS)))
My husband figure if I take a pill and go to therapy he should see results. The hardest thing about healing is that it takes a lot of time. It's only been a year. It will likely take at least 5.
DeleteThat sounds like a fantastic and profound step forward. Congratulations and good luck.
ReplyDelete~ Rhonda Parrish