Derby Practice Number One.

Last night I went to my first roller derby practice. I want to say, that I came home sore and exhausted and totally beat. The truth is I got there and anxiety took over.

I knew there would be a lot of women there. I really tried to prepare myself. So when you walk into a room of 30 + people and you only know 1 thing can get ugly. The panic attack I experienced was pretty minor and pretty easy to get over but it shook me pretty good. I did manage to actually skate and work on stops for the first half hour or so. Then I had to stop and just watch because I could not catch my breath. It wasn't because I'm out of shape, although I am. I just got overwhelmed every time I paused and realized how many people were in the room. I didn't leave, I stayed in watched.

I plan to go back next Thursday. I figure maybe if I keep going, and I get to know these ladies, I will be able to function enjoy myself, lose weight, and make friends.

This is something I really want to do. But it scares me. If I look like a fool on my blog I can tell myself no one is reading (even if you are). I can sing karaoke because I know I amexcited good. I can do a number of other things that I enjoy because no one sees me fail. But when I feel like I look stupid here, I know people can see. At 27, I should be over this feeling. But BPD has a nasty grip on my self-image. Feeling as though I have embarressed myself can have disasters affect on my mental state. But I will keep trying, because I know if I can work through this I will have won another battle against my mental illness. The gals are so supportive and so understanding I can't imagine a better place to work through these issues. I mean, come on, falling on purpose is part of practice.

Next week, my goal is to make it an entire hour before my nerves force me off the floor.