The Great Skirt Experiment

I'm starting an experiment today.

Growing up my mom never wore pants, she only wore skirts or dresses. She did, for a period of time, wear a pair of overalls when she gardened. This last Christmas, she bought a pair of jeans because everybody else was wearing jeans for family pictures and so my kids have not experienced Grandmama in only skirts.

While I was deciding what my style is going to be this summer, since I'm no longer ashamed of my weight, I started buying and making boho skirts. I figure they will provide a nice but casual look and will allow me the comfort of shorts without blinding my friends with my pale skin.

Starting today I am NOT going to wear jeans or pants for a month. I am also, not going to tell anyone of my intentions, except, obviously, for you my dear readers. 

Johnny doesn't think I can do it. I want to go camping for Mother's Day and he thinks you have to wear jeans when you go camping. Every memory I have of camping as a child, my mother wore denim skirts, not jeans. 

The experiment part is seeing how long it takes the people in my daily life, my husband, my brothers-in-law, friends I see regularly, etc, to notice that I haven't been wearing pants . Also, when I start wearing jeans again, I want to see thier reaction, if they have one. 

These are the things that come from being a bored stay at home mom with very little social life

Playing the Part

I've had an interesting week. The weekend saw my son's 5th birthday. And some harsh words that caused emotional pain. Well suffering my pain, I posted to Facebook something I probably should have thought about first. It seems to have caused quite the scandal amongst my family. While using the term "bleed out" to refer to my emotional draining, I seem to have inadvertently put forth that I was contemplating suicide.
This was not and is not the case. I could not see how this was a possible explanation for what I wrote. But when speaking with my husband, he pointed out that I like to play the part of the emotionally disturbed crazy woman.  This is true.  And I may have been playing my part too well. Yes, I have trouble coping with normal emotions. I take things that are said to me and twist them into something painful. I retreat into myself when I feel vulnerable or hurt. I can make stupid ,rash and harmful decisions when I am hurt. But ultimately, I am not as crazy or disturbed as I put forth. My husband said it's a cry for attention. I want to deny this, but it is likely true.
I have decided to stop playing this part. Here on my blog and within the safety of my parents in my husband, I will still deal with the real emotional issues that come with having bpd. However, I am going to stop playing it up and making it the center of my life. My cousin said to me last fall,  you have to define your mental illness, you can't let it define you. Unfortunately, I have been living bpd rather than living with it. I cannot get better if I try to fit the mold of what a crazy person should be. I have to decide to be healthy and then overcome the hurdles and obstacles as I encounter them. This may be the most productive step I have taken forward since starting treatment. Here's to getting better.

This Should Not Be Me, My Kids are Preschoolers

I've developed a really nasty habit. One I have GOT to break.  I realized today, I have started showering only once a week. And I am wearing the same clothes two and three days in a row. GROSS.

It is winter, so I'm not as active or sweaty, but really, this is so very very wrong. My children are 2 and 4 and my husband is home all the time right now. I have no reason to no shower. It's not even that I'm lazy. I just don't care. DOUBLE GROSS.  I am going to fix this.

I am now scheduling my showers. I have a husband at home; I don't have to wake up early or wait until nap time. I am going to plan a shower into my day the way I would plan a shopping trip or a lunch with a friend. I guess if the shower is hot enough, it is like a lunch date. I'm thinking Saturday morning (so my hair is a day old when I style it for church on Sunday), Monday night, and Thursday while Johnny is at preschool. I am not allowed to plan outings, doctors appointments, or anything else during this time. I cannot become THAT mom. I will be clean and well groomed. I will look like a together mom, even though I am tired and frazzled and overdue for a break.

Someone burned my Christmas Tree

Every year, at least the last four, my family has met the new year by burning our Christmas tree and betting how far above the roof line the flames will go.  It provides a very good lesson as to why we SHOULD water our tree.  We don't because if we did it wouldn't burn very well on New Year's Eve.

This year, our flames were a good two feet above the roof line, and as I watched it burn I decided this year I would make resolutions that would not burn me out faster than the flames burned out once the pine needles were gone.  I also decided that if I shared my top five goals for the year, I would be more likely to keep them because I would have people to hold me accountable. So here we go.

2012 Goal #1:Stop Smoking. 

This is so cliche I almost thought it sounded stupid.  A good idea, but lame in it's boring commonness.  However, after smoking on and off for about 8 years, and having quit twice while pregnant, it's about time. It smells gross, makes me cough, and oh yeah, I only smoke about three cigarettes a week if we don't go anywhere.  This shouldn't be too hard as I don't smoke all that often, but I will admit to being easily stressed, and smoking socially.  My husband's whole family (almost) smokes, so the weekends we spend with them will be more challenging.  Bring on the Juicy Fruit and Big Red.

2012 Goal #2: Keep My House Clean.

I know I claim to be a real housewife, but honestly, I'm a real bad and lazy housewife.  Most married couples fight about money; Larch and I fight about my housekeeping.  So this year, in order to strengthen my marriage and convince my husband I can handle another baby, I would like my house to look lived in, but clean.  In other words, I am attempting to: keep up on the laundry, do the dishes after every meal, make sure the living room is clean when I go to bed, vacuum daily (such is life with preschoolers), and to stop piling crap on the dining room table.  Those who know me will tell you that this is like climbing Mt Everest for me. I am a slob, and cleaning is not something I have ever been good at. This goal scares me the most.

2012 Goal #3: Exercise More.

More means at least three days a week. On purpose.  Resolving to lose weight is asinine. I like to eat sweets, I cook with butter, and anti-psychotic medicines are really better at helping you to gain weight. Exercise, however, will tone what little muscle I have, probably cause weight loss, make labor easier if I can convince Larch to have another baby, and releases feel-good-happy-anti-mean-mommy endorphin's that help me to feel really good about myself.  Kinda like singing in the shower, only with a fat-shedding bonus.

2012 Goal#4: Try 52 New Recipes.

I know I have mentioned before my giant box of recipes I want to try before my kids go to college.  I also learned somewhere that breaking a big goal into small steps makes it doable. So, one new recipe a week. Every Monday.  This will mean that on Tuesday I will rave or rant about how it tasted, how easy it was, and if it was truly amazing and share worthy, I might even share it here.  Along with this goal, I plan to eat 5 out of 7 meals at the table and not in front of the TV.  My kids have way to much screen time already, cutting out 45 minutes to eat will be good for everyone.

2012 Goal #5: Read 12 New Books

That's a book a month. My mother wants to read 64 four books this year, I would love to also, but I have two small children and the daunting task of keeping my very small house with too much stuff clean. So, one book a month should be attainable.  Chances are this will really mean one book between now and April; one between April and June; 3 a month over the summer while we are camping, and I can sit by the water and burn; and one more between September and November. No reading ever gets done during the holidays. Now, I need to decide if I want to read "Girl Who Played with Fire" or "Game of Thrones" first.

Those are the five big ones.  I also plan to potty train Lily, convince my family to go one day a week with no Xbox, movies, or TV, and have $1000 in the savings account on December 31, 2012.

Now I better stop so that I have time to clean my house, cook a meal, go for a walk, ignore my husband's cigarettes, and read a few pages.