Ten Things Tuesday--That Mom

We all know her. The perfect mom who fills us with feelings of hatred, jealousy, and self-loathing. Here are ten reasons that mom makes us want to scream.

1. She had the perfect pregnancy. Nothing went wrong. She had no morning sickness, no stretch marks, no heartburn, no swollen ankles, no back pain, nothing. She was glowing and happy the whole time. My sister-in-law was one of these.

2. Six months after that mom has her baby, not only is she down to her pre-pregnancy weight, she has passed it and is smaller than she was when she conceived. These mom's are rare, and generally appear in tabloid with the help of personal trainers that we can't even dream of affording. They are also probably starving.

3. That mom has kids who wear the cutest  matching outfits. Every item is wrinkle and stain free. They do not wear purple leggings with orange dresses or other such combinations that occur when we just grab the first things our hands touch. Her kids always have clean faces and neatly coiffed hair. You know that if she dressed her kids in all white, their clothes would still be white at the end of the day.

4. Her kid's lunches look like this:

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while our kids eat this:

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5. That mom always wear an apron when she cooks, but we don't know why. When she puts dinner on the table her apron is still spotless. So is her kitchen, which makes me think she didn't really cook whatever she is serving.

6. When that mom's kids start kindergarten, their baby books are completely finished. Our kids don't have baby books; or they do, but they are empty and collecting dust in the back of the closet.

7. That mom's car looks brand new. There are not crayons, toys, crumbs, mud, fingerprints, or empty McDonald's bags scattered all over. Her car even smells brand new.

8. Her house is spotless, her kids are well-behaved, she cooks dinner every night, and still has time to read those books that have been on your to read list for years but will have to wait until your kids graduate high school.

9. When at the park, her clothes look like she walked off the pages of a magazine, her make up is perfect, her hair is not pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. Also, when it's time to go home, her kids say, "yes mommy" instead of throwing themselves on the ground screaming for 5 more minutes.

10.  Her carpets are lacking of mud or food stains.

Some of us can achieve one or two of these things occasionally. I do not believe I know any mothers who can achieve all of these, all the time.

Daddies Garage Has What my Husband Wants.

I really want to have another baby. I love my two kids, but I think that just one more would make my family feel complete. Larch is ready to be done with diapers and potty training and baby things. We are not currently on birth-control, but we are not "trying" to conceive. I, being smart and yet not overly manipulative, have taken the high road and been praying for God to change Larch's heart. I have asked my Bible study group to pray that we will come to a place of unity on this life changing event. I should have known that God is not like Westley in Princess Bride, who answers all requests with "as you wish."

The last few days have been rough around our house. The kids cannot seem to go for more than 15 minutes without getting into major trouble. Not the "quit hitting your sister, share with your brother, please be quiet" type of trouble. No I'm talking about that kind of trouble that resulted in the first ever grounding of my 4 year old. The kind of trouble that makes you want to pull your hair out and lock the kids in the closet kind of trouble.  In an unusual turn of events, I have handled this better than Larch. Normally, I am the one to fly off the handle and just shut down because I can't take one more minute. This time though, I have remained mostly cool-headed and have just taken things in stride. Larch has turned into me. I finally called his brother and arranged a play-date, just so that Larch could have  a few hours when he didn't have to be my husband or the kids dad. I gave him a free pass to go drink with the boys.

We can add to the kids inability to behave, my drawing near to a total mental break. I think we may have passed the danger zone and avoid total collapse. However, there has been tension between Larch and I, and as I discussed in my last post, my brain does not process his words or motivations correctly. I am losing my confidence in my ability to be a wife and mother. I am starting to doubt that I have made any progress on the road to recovery. (This is something I know to be untrue in my clear moments; I am getting better in some areas and I am discovering new problems in others.)

Back to my prayers.  I am in rebellion right now. I get the feeling that perhaps God is telling me that he is not going to change Larch's mind yet.  Perhaps, He is trying to tell me, that I am not as ready as I think I am. That while He may or may not have more children in our future, now is not the time. I don't like this idea. I want another baby. I might even tell you I NEED another baby. Maybe I just want to be pregnant so that I don't feel so bad about the fact that I no longer fit into 89% of my clothing.

Don't tell Larch I'm thinking these thoughts. It's more fun to joke about the next baby while he laughs at me and then we just kinda roll our eyes at each other. Surprisingly, my wanting a baby and his not is the thing we have the least tension over right now. It keeps things light.

Baby Thornton

Mondays are supposed to be the day I try a new recipe from my big box o' recipes. This Monday, however, was so much more special for our family. Sunday night, at 5:45, my nephew, Emmett Robert Thornton, came into this world at 6lbs 3oz, 20 1/2 inches long. He is an incredibly cute baby. Being his aunt I'm sure I am somewhat biased. I also know that as a mother I cannot think he is cuter than my own were when they were born. His mother, Brittany, had a 14 hour labor and came through beautifully with the help of an epidural and a million family members. The waiting room was completely full and it was all for this one precious little baby

Larch had told me Thursday, that while he was ready for Emmett to get here, he knew it would just cause me to talk about wanting another baby that much more. He was right in some ways and wrong in others. I defiantly still want another baby. But, I also know I can get my baby fix down the road in Post Falls, at least for a little while. The events of this weekend did cause us to sit down and talk more seriously about the desire to add to our little family.

It turns out, Larch has "no real reasons" to say no to a baby; he is just ready to be done with the baby stage of our life. I do admit this is a real reason, but I guess he feels it's just a selfish reason that he can't make stand up against my obvious, passionate desire for one more. I can't come up with a better reason than I want one, I feel like our family isn't complete yet, and I want one.

After some very calm and unheated discussion, we have agreed, more or less, that we will have, or try to, one more. After that, I can't see myself having anymore. I'm even toying with the thought of tubal ligation after our next one. I have an inkling that really our more permanent form of birth control will be via vasectomy. Something tells me that it will cost less. And it's outpatient surgery.

I don't know yet if this means we are intentionally trying yet, or whether we've just agreed that maybe it's ok to have another. Either way, I am happy we are no long in contention over the topic. I love being a mother. I don't always think I've been the best mother to my children, but I hear that lots of mothers feel that way. I also know I have not been a healthy mother. That is changing. Therapy and a couple of prescriptions really seem to be helping. I told my mother-in-law tonight that, "I think I want to have another baby now, because I feel healthier than I've ever felt, even in the midst of second trimester glow." Hopefully, this healthy feeling will only increase as I continue to seek treatment and learn to handle emotional roller coaster that is Borderline Personality Disorder. I love feeling well.

I love that I feel worn out because I am a mother, not because I am constantly irritable, irrational, and irresponsible. I love that I feel tired because my kids wear me out, not because I am stressed and expending all my energy being disappointed, pessimistic and bitchy. I love that I feel like I can talk to my husband without exploding or feeling judged. And I love that my relationships with the important people in my life are improving.

I know that despite all this feeling of well-being and being ready for another baby, there are people in my life, whose opinions do occasionally matter, who think maybe we are not ready, or we should be done. I respect their concerns but I also know that when I married Larch, our lives because ours to conduct how we would, with occasionally input from others, but with the final decisions being our own. I hope we are making the right decision now. I've never felt so full of love as I do being surrounded by my family, immediate and extended.

Congratulations Joe and Brittany. Emmett is a beautiful baby and he will be a source of love and joy for all of us.

You done good.

Brea